111 days. That is how long it has been since I last held baby V.

I've been giving lots of thought to how the wait has effected us (me especially). It is not all negative, I must confess.

When we returned home from trip one, I was still deep in the phase of being more than a little scared about becoming a mother of two. Lots of what ifs. You see, we received V's referral (with very, very little information) pretty quickly after our dossier was submitted and then, after accepting the referral, we left for Russia within 15 days. It was quite a whirlwind.

When we met V, we were only able to spend about 6-7 hours with her over the course of 3 days. Truly, though, how can you help but fall in love with such a precious one, even within the few hours we had with her. The moment they handed her to us, she was our child. In our hearts, I became her Mama and hubby became her Papa. Just like that. But then we left her. Then we were back on the train bound for Moscow.

Then the what ifs and fears of becoming a Mommy of two settled back in. In so many ways I was afraid of taking the next step. This has been a process that I am only now seeing.

We came home and I put her pictures in frames all around the house. She is on the refrigerator in the kitchen, on the bulletin board in D's room, and in frames all over her nursery. However, in being so fearful of something happening that we might not get to bring her home, we had only watched the video we took of her one time - I'm ashamed to admit it. I was afraid to watch it. When I watch the video - she is more real.

But, the days turned into weeks and the weeks have turned into months and I long for her more and more. She is my daughter. I then noticed that I hadn't put out any pictures of her with us. Just little pictures of her alone. Not a part of the family. So over the last few weeks I have set out pictures of her with me, and with papa, and with D. I got out the video last week and watched it again for the first time in over two months. This time I could see so much more. I saw how over the course of the three days she became more familiar with us. I see where she was doing so well in all the developmental areas that we "tested".

Fear had kept me from fully giving my heart to her. But over this long time of wait, the fear has given way to longing and love. Love is a risk, and you have to give your heart without holding any part of it back.