Russian Adoption DVA

Mother's Day is Hard

Friday, May 11, 2007

When I was 13 years old my mother passed away as a result of battling cancer. She was about 35 years old when it first appeared and she fought it for nearly 8 years.

So from 1980 until 2001 Mother's day was horrible for me. That's 21 years.

I hated to go to church on Mother's day. It was just a huge reminder to me that I didn't have one.

In 1980 people didn't have cam-corders. So I have no video of my mother. We had one little cassette tape with her voice recorded, she said about 1/2 sentence and then laughed. The last time I heard it was at my sister's house around 1993, I have no idea where it is now.

I can't remember her voice. Some nights I go to sleep begging God to let me dream of her, just so I can hear her voice. In my dreams I can remember.

My Mama was beautiful and stylish and very fun. Of course she was young! Younger than I am now when she first discovered she had cancer, can you imagine!?

From 1980 to 1995 I hated Mother's day. Of course, my dear close Aunt Joyce who was my "other mother" got my mother's day attention and cards and such. Aunt Joyce passed away last August.

But in 1995, Mother's day wasn't as sad. It fell the day after my wedding that year - May 14. So of course thinking of Mother's day was FAR from my mind on that day.

November, 1995 started 6 more years of dreading Mother's day. Six years of double whammy on Mother's day. Missing my mother and wanting more than anything to become a mother myself. All I have ever wanted to be from the time I was a little girl, madly devoted to my baby dolls, was to be a mother.

As a minister's wife, I am pretty much expected (by many) to be in church every time the door opens. But I didn't do Mother's day and my husband completely understood.

Mother's day 2002 was a bittersweet day. I had believed that since I was finally D's mother, that the day would be ok. It is worlds better than it has ever been since 1980, but there hasn't been a Mother's day without tears for me in 27 years.

A girl never outgrows needing her mother - never. When I was sick last week, I would have given anything to have my mother come and take care of me. When I endured 4 miscarriages, I needed her so much. When Daria became my daughter on October 12, 2001 I so wish I could have called my mother. Sometimes I pray to God and ask Him to please tell her.

This year on Mother's day, I thank God that I am D's mother. I feel in my heart that I am already V's mother, too. I am constantly begging God to allow V to come home so I can begin a lifetime of taking care of both the girls until my last breath. This year on Mother's day, mine and hubby's 12th wedding anniversary falls on the same day. I'm finding it hard to seperate the two and find joy for both. Mother's day is overshadowing my anniversary this year and I kind of regret that the two fall on the same day.

I try to find enough joy in Mother's day to put on a good face for Daria. I AM so thankful to be her mother, but in my way of thinking, I feel October 12 is more Mother's day for ME, the day the judge said "Da." And I so look forward to finding out what my second Mother's day date will be. I sure hope it's soon.

Mother's day is hard.

Written at 4:17 PM by Suz.

11 comments

11 Comments:

jessy said...

Oh, Susie, I didn't know that your mother was gone. And since you were a young girl! I can't imagine, but I'm sure it must be very, very hard.
Hugs.

9:00 PM

kitchu said...

Suz...
Today is just tears for me, and I don't know how you found my blog but it means so much to me that you commented and understand. I can't imagine losing your mom so young... and that yearning just to hear her voice, I know it well. We only have one video with my mom on it (that I'm aware of) and it's only a couple of seconds. We were so busy doing video of her sister, who died 3 months after the tape was made of breast cancer. None of them (siblings in my mom's family) lived to be over 70.

If I'd had your number, I would have been picking up my phone to call you. That feeling of wanting her to be a part of all the "nexts" in my life (bringing Macey home, seeing me throught the aftermath of my divorce- she died one month prior to it) is so strong. Sometimes I even feel almost angry that I don't have her... she was my champion, and the one who had the guts to call my ex names : o )- even though, honestly, he was an incredible person and I'm thankful on some level for what that relationship gave me.

Anyway. I'm rambling, but so glad to have found you in this blogland- I'll be reading you from here on out. And I'll be thinking of you as you too struggle with that same longing...

I hope God answers your prayers, and that you hear her voice in your dreams.

9:23 PM

6blessings said...

I'm so sorry about your mother. I can't even imagine. That must be so difficult. I'm glad you have D now and soon V will be here too. I hope her "Mother's Day" won't be too far off.

10:52 PM

Maggie said...

I saw your comment on Kris' blog and was surprised. I didn't know you had lost your mom. I still have my mom, but I do understand how it feels to forget little things. I wrote an essay about my grandmothers once and called my mom in a panic because I couldn't remember what color eyes my Mimi had. If you're like me, little details that you can't remember most of the time come back to you at strange moments. Like if my phone happens to ring once and hang up, immediately I can think if my Grandma's phone number. I couldn't think of it any other time to save my life, though. (My grandma lived in a building that charged even for local calls. So she'd call and hang up and we'd call her back.)

Anyway, my thoughts will be with you (and Kris) this Mother's Day. I can only imagine how hard it is.

7:46 AM

Chris Goeppner said...

Suz,
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that this Mother's Day will be a blessing to you as you celebrate your anniversary and your beautiful daughter. I'll be praying for you tomorrow.
Blessings,
Penny

7:49 AM

Valerie said...

Suz,
I'm sorry for you for the loss of your mother at such a tender age. It must have been very, very hard for you.

My father died while he was in the prime of life and I feel the same as you on Father's Day.

Being a mother yourself you can finally reflect on your own mother, what it means to be a mother and little one with both joy and sadness.

11:00 AM

kate said...

I stopped by to wish you a happy Mother's Day, and found your heart-filled post. I do, sincerely, hope this Mother's Day is a happy one for you.

11:13 AM

Rachael said...

What a heartbreaking post. Thanks for sharing.
So sad for you.
Hope you can find some comfort in Mother's Day with your little D.

12:04 PM

Calico Sky said...

Suz
I am so very sorry. I feel the same about Father's Day as I too lost my dad a little younger than whe you lost your mom.
I am glad that being a mother to D has helped heal what mother's day is and I pray every single day that you can bring V home soon.
I think people forget that no everyone has a parent, as I posted in my blog today 'to all those with mom's in heaven'...
I am thinking of you!

6:11 AM

Mrs. Broccoli Guy said...

I can't imagine how hard that had to be for you, losing your mother so young... and not having her there for all those important days (and the "trivial" days too, for that matter). I'm sorry.
I agree about the "true" Mother's Day though... for me my kids' birthdays and adoption days are much more significant than some random day in May.
Praying your V is home soon.

7:55 PM

Allison said...

We share similar stories. My heart is where yours is too. I didn't have the strength or courage to post my thoughts on Mother's Day until today.

I wish you a happy day today.

Alli

2:04 PM