Red threads every day
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Tuesday morning, almost the first thing after opening my eyes, I found a red thread. At first I forgot, but then I quickly remembered. She's not mine anymore. But every time I see a red thread, I'll always remember her. I'll never forget her. She was not here with us physically, but in every other way she was our Viktoria.

My thoughts have been so jumbled and scattered the last few days. I still don't know if I can put words together to make a readable sentence.

It is nearly like a death. It is much worse than a miscarriage and I know how hard miscarriages are, I've had four of them.

Everyone has been so great to us, we've had flower deliveries every day, food brought, little gifts in memory of Viktoria. We are considering having a little goodbye ceremony for close friends and family in a few weeks. At first I didn't think I could bear it, but it is getting a little easier.

We still don't know what we'll do from here.

We have a meeting set up for next Tuesday with our agency staff, including the director. We'll discuss what options we have through the agency. We've paid all that is due to them and we've already paid for two trips to Russia for Viktoria, so we're running out of money. There are moments I'm ready to quit, moments I'm scared of Russia, thoughts of switching to domestic adoption are scary too. But I don't want D to be an only child. I still have a spot in my heart and I just don't feel like our family is complete at 3.

One of the hardest things for me the past few days has been seeing other people all around us living their lives like nothing has happened. Don't they know I lost my baby?! How can they laugh and joke? How can they shop and be interested in the news?

In so many ways it really is like a death, but even harder in a way because I know she is still out there. With another mommy. Not with me. I want her to be happy. I pray that she is happy. I hope they'll love her and cherish her like we would. I hope she will grow up and know God and love Him. I hope they are prepared to deal with her attachment adjustments. Are they feeding her well? Then I think of all the pictures that we have of her newborn from the old databank picture; 11 months from our referral pictures; 13 months from the first trip; 20 months from the second/visit trip. I wonder if I could send the pictures to them? She'll need to know what she looked like as a baby! And I have all these things with Viktoria monogrammed on them. Even in Russian! But did they change her name?

So many questions, no answers.
19 Comments:
Blogger Esther said...
My heart breaks for you every day. I'm with you there in spirit and praying for you daily.

Everything you write is completely normal. You are absolutely right in every sentiment.

Yes, you are experiencing death. When we lost ZsaZsa last year, a dear friend of mine pointed out that it is the death of hopes and dreams. You are absolutely right. It is death, and feels like death.

People are oblivious. People can be stupid and callous to our tragedies, travesties, and needs. Turn to those who are compassionate, those who are loving, those who reach out to you, and those who understand.

Sweet Suz, hang in there. Take it one day at a time. Hour by hour. That's about all I could handle last year. I told myself the sun would come up tomorrow. It always did. That's what I could count on, that and my faith in the Lord. Trust Him to lead you thru this. He is with you.

Hugs, Esther

Blogger Esther said...
ps..an idea for you...

To honor ZsaZsa, I made a keepsake box of her baby items, just like I did for the boys. I have it stored with our boys boxes. There are some items just too precious to throw away. I didn't make this immediately. I didn't know what to do with her room for a while. When I was ready, I made the box. I can email you later about what I put in it. And later yet, I dealt with her room. My husband could never deal with helping me with her room I did it alone. Keep her room the way you want for as long as you want to treasure.

Hugs, Esther

Blogger Elle said...
I had all kinds of things with Alexander's name on them. My MIL quietly packed them up and put them in a box for me. The box is in my hope chest now. I too have thought of sending the photos I have to his family. I just don't know how they'd feel about it.

I equated the loss to more of a child that had been kidnapped and found. Mainly because in our 9 months we didn't have any information at all. In fact he'd been adopted 2-3 months before we found out.

The one thing that I held on to that got me through was that the entire time I waited for Alexander I prayed he would be safe until he made it to his forever family. Of course I thought it would be our house. I know now that my prayers were answered and for that I thank God every day.

It can be scary to start again. I was terrified. Our agency was great and we weren't charged any additional fees. The travel killed us though.

Blogger Debbie said...
A ceremony sounds like a wonderful way to honor Viktoria.
Can the church put together a video presentation with her pictures for you? Something you will treasure and would give your freinds and family a look into her life.
I'm so sorry for the tough time you're having. You're right that it is like a death. I have spent countless hours in grief and mourning for you and her.
It's just so unbelievable.

Esther's suggestion is exactly why I picked the old world treasure box for you (which unfortunately didn't make it:o)) so that you could have it to hold the memories. They'll never go away. You know that too well with what you have been dealt in life.

Always praying for you.

Blogger Susan said...
Suz-

My heart breaks for you and it has since I first read your news. I wish I had something, anything, to say that would heal your heart. But I don't only that we will continue to pray for you. You have been an inspiration for so many, myself included, and I know your faith is strong. Please know there are so many of us praying for you and God will lead you through.

Much love...

Blogger U.N. Mama said...
Suz all I can say is how much I continue praying. I love you my dear friend.

Blogger JennStar said...
I am so sad for you and your family. I don't even know what to say, my sweet sister in Christ. If I knew you IRL, I'd simply sit next to you with a shoulder and an ear and a hug. I am still praying for you.

Blogger 6blessings said...
Death is a good way to say it, yet, like you said, it's almost worse. I remember the feelings I had when we lost our boys and my situation was no where close to what you're dealing with. I remember wondering, like you, why nobody cared and why everyone else seemed to keep moving while I was standing still. My mom was the only person who called to check on me ever during that time. No other relative, friend, or church person did anything.

I do, however, agree with Elle. Elle and I lost our kiddos within a week of each other or so. She helped me a lot and I totally agree with what she said here. We, too, had prayed for our boys' protection and that they would make it home with their forever family. Like she said, that happened. Not in the way we expected. I finally had to realize that I could not "what if" or wonder. I had to trust God and believe they were healthy, eating well, and under His careful watch. I still pray for them and check the databank on occasion, as I told you before.

I think the box idea is great! I think that would help so much. Give yourself time to grieve. Decisions about what to do next can come when you are ready. Take time to grieve the loss of your daughter.

I will continue praying for your peace and direction. Again, I'm sooooo incredibly sorry that this happened.

Blogger Maggie said...
Oh, Suz. I know. I know.

Blogger Lisa said...
I'm so glad to hear that you have a meeting with the agency set up to talk about where to go from here.

I made a box with Marina & Kristina's things too. At the time I didn't necessarily think about it being a memory box, but there were things I needed to put away but couldn't part with permanently. The memory box makes so much sense. What Esther said about it being a death of hopes and dreams makes sense to me too.

Hang in there. Prayers still going up from here!

Blogger MMrussianadoption said...
My heart is heavy. I get bent out of shape everytime I think about this injustice. I hope you will find peace soon.

Blogger M- said...
Suz, I hope that next week brings you a bit less sadness, and that your heart mends just a bit. I can't imagine how hard it must be.

Blogger Esther said...
For what it's worth, I have ZsaZsa's address at the institution she lives in with her relative & brother. We've chosen to not send the photos of her & the 1 brother of the 2 that we have photos. I wanted to send copies for the reasons you stated. But a couple friends of mine who adopted from the same region said my package/mail would be stolen from customs. ZsaZsa's region is a non-adopt region now (not due to reaccreditation....due to baby trafficking). Guy and I were the last US couple sent in for an adoption. So I've hung onto her things, photos, whatnot.

I was still so in the middle of loss & grief when we started our next adoption. My husband said "now or never". So I went along with it telling him, "if I'm not ready when we are approached about referrals, we won't adopt." We both agreed.

I'm glad we went forward at that time. It takes so long for an adoption(s) to process. It gave me much time to process, grieve, reflect, mourn, mature, breathe, heal, grow, and experience life thru new eyes and a new heart...albeit with a piece of my heart missing.

I have no regrets and I wouldn't change a thing.

Blogger Denise :o) said...
Oh Suz... I don't know what to say. I'm just so sorry this has happened. My heart aches for you and your family. Take as much time as you need.

We had everything four our Marina and Leo, too. Two years later and I still can't let go of those things, thinking maybe, maybe someday I'll meet them and they will know how much I loved them. I'm hurting for you. We planted a tree for the kids....to keep on remembering them, to honor them, and to start accepting that life goes on as difficult and painful as it still is for me. We had a plaque with their names and "Forever in our hearts" engraved. I buried some small things as we planted the tree...a letter to both, etc... I ache for you.

Blogger C.C. said...
Continuing to pray for you!! You are loved!

Blogger Starfish said...
I know exactly what you mean about other people living their lives - I have felt the same way when in the midst of a personal tragedy. It is so unfair. You continue to be in my thoughts - I hope every day gets a little easier for you.

Blogger jessy said...
Suzie,

I can't say it enough. I'm so sorry that this has happened. I'm sick over it. You have been on my mind and heart every day. I thought about sending flowers, but I didn't know how you and David would feel about that. I'm so scared of saying or doing the wrong thing. Please let me know if you decide to have the memorial service for Victoria.
Don't you let them sell you any crap on Tuesday, you here? This is a horrible, horrible thing that has happened to you, and if they try to throw one, "It must be the Lord's will...." at you, you just come right out of your chair and calmly choke them to death.

Blogger Kris said...
Suz,
Do grieve. Do spend time processing your feelings, this is certainly a loss of hopes and dreams. And most certainly a type of death. I'm sure the agency will be so comforting, supportive and helpful. I know they are sharing your pain as well.

Do create some sort of special something for V to contain all things you have for her. When our son died, his aunts (my sister/SILs) got together over a weekend a created a scrapbook containing so many of the photos we have of him. I'm so grateful (especially since I'm not a scrapbooker!). It's so sweet to look at...to reflect on...to save. Do something special with your items you have for V. It will help you process the loss. Going through my son's book sure helped me to grieve as I could relive certain events, habits, etc. I like to go through it occasionally, but typically with a box of tissue!


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